SA/TO By Month
Topic Information: October

What is Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse is a pattern of controlling behaviors that one partner uses to get power over the other in an intimate relationship. These controlling behaviors fall into three categories:

• Physical violence or threats: threatening suicide or to take away children is a common tactic.
• Emotional/mental abuse: isolation, public humiliation, mind games and manipulation often leave the deepest scars.
• Sexual abuse, including forced sexual activities, refusing to have safe sex, sexual putdowns.

Who is battered?
In 92% of all domestic abuse incidents, crimes are committed by men against women. But, we as Jews, as a much tinier percentage of the world, know that the 6% of male victims are not to be taken lightly.

Nearly 1/3 of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. Levels of domestic abuse are consistent regardless of religion, ethnic, socioeconomic and educational backgrounds, age, lifestyle or rural versus urban setting.

That's right, it can – and does – happen in "nice Jewish homes," too.

Why don't they just leave?
Wouldn't it be simple and lovely if the victims could pick up and leave? However, this question ignores many other factors that real life brings. Firstly, many abusive relationships also have their good times, which makes the situation even more confusing and painful. There may be feelings of disbelief and shame, or the fear that family and friends would receive the truth in that fashion. Leaving may increase the chance of being harmed or killed. If escape is successful, there are economic and social realities to face, like paying for rent, facilities and possibly daycare.

While the levels of domestic abuse are even across all geographics, some groups are less likely to report it than others are. Homosexuals have the added obstacle of fearing possibly homophobic courts, law enforcement and domestic violence programs. Victims in rural areas may face a lack of escape resources and communication, coupled with deep-rooted cultural traditions and commonly accepted traditional roles. Older people are often financially dependent on their partner, as well as isolated from their community, and therefore, any help they could provide. Immigrants and refugees, too, face unique challenges; language and culture barriers, distrust in an unfamiliar legal system, perhaps a dependence on a partner for a status to remain in the country all present obstacles for these victims to escape their abusers.

Denial is often a problem amongst Jews because of the fear of shondeh (shame), as well as a sense of responsibility to maintain shalom bayit, or "peace in the home."

How to recognize an abusive relationship
Does your partner:

• Have extreme and sudden mood swings?
• Put you down or embarrass you in front of other people?
• Always try to blame others for their problems?
• Try to get you alone when you do not want to be?
• Try to control you by not taking your opinion seriously, making all decisions about who you see, what you wear, what you do etc?

• Feeling less confidant around your partner?
• Finding yourself changing behaviors to avoid a fight?
• Told by people you trust that they worry for your safety?

How can you help?
The most important thing that you can to for a victim of domestic violence you know is to let them know that you're there for them. If you are a victim, please find someone you trust to talk to.

Key talking points:

• You deserve better than this
• I'm afraid for your safety
• We're here for you when you're ready and able to leave

From a Jewish point of view

• Rabbi Moses Isserles (16th c.): "A man who strikes his wife commits a sin, just as if he were to strike anyone else. If he does this often, the court may punish him, excommunicate him..."
• Rabbi Simha: "We have to treat a man who beats his wife more severely than we treat a man who beats another man, since he is not obligated to honor the other man but is obligated to honor his wife – more, in fact, than himself."
• "From Genesis we learn that we are all created in the image of God.What does that mean, to be created in the likeness of a divine being?It means that every human being contains a spark of the divine; that each of us is blessed and beautiful; that every soul is holy and worthy; that divine presence is not only above us but within each of us. It also means that each of us is a mirror for God's law and values, and we must each take it upon ourselves to reflect divine acts and mitzvot in our daily lives." – Shalom Bayit, Bay Area Jewish Women Working to End Domestic Violence

• RaMBaM (12th c.): "A wife who refuses to perform any kind of work she is obligated to do may be compelled to perform it, even by scourging her with a rod."
• Yehudai Gaon (6th c): "A wife should never raise her voice against her husband, but should remain silent even if he beats her – as chaste women do."
• Yam Shel Shelomo: "A husband may strike his wife if she transgresses the law, as he would a slave; provided he reprove her first, he may then beat her 'until death'."

Other Stats

• On average, more than 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day in the U.S. In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner.
• Approximately 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner.
• Around the world, at least 1 in every 3 women has been beaten, forced into sex, or abused in some way during her lifetime.
• In 2001, more than a half million (588,490) American women were victims of nonfatal violence by an intimate partner.